Tell Them Your Name

The good folks over at Sore Thumbs are collecting some research on gaming pseudonyms and why you choose them. I'm looking forward to the resulting article and I hope that anyone who reads my blog can add their own stories. To help you folks along I'll share my deep, dark origin story. No family members were killed but I assure there was much emotional trauma. This is the e-mail I sent out:

Hello, my name is PQQ

This tale has a few steps to it so it requires some back story. I used to game at my friends house alot because I had a Nintendo Gamecube, but he had a PS2 (much jealousy on my part). He also had a very small TV which will come into play later. All of my friends were Diablo II fans to some degree so it seemed like the purchasing, playing and enjoying of Champions of Norrath was a done deal. It was but that's not the point.

The point is name creation. I'd chosen an elf character and I wanted the name to sound elfin. I also wanted it to start with a P because my real name does. I also wanted it to be funny, and dirty. So I started with Poo. I worked it into Poosalot. I ended with Poozaloz. This was elfin enough and many a hero (male and female, the name is gender neutral) would pick up the mantle and do great things.

Except for James Bond.

He was too real of a character to receive an elf's name. When it came to 007: Nightfire's multiplayer, every one needed to create their own profile to save control schemes and such. These profiles needed a name. With impatient friends surrounding me, I had to think quick. I also had to uphold my crass tradition so I'd decided on my first idea back in the Norrath days. I named my profile POO. Well, I thought I did.

Remember when I mentioned that my friend had a small TV? Well the game had an even smaller font and an awkward circle function to select letters. The end result was me choosing the wrong big, round letter next to P. My profile was now PQQ.

The rest is history. It's my gamertag and online handle, While Poozaloz is what I rename main heroines in RPGs to. It is also what I rename Epona too in all Zelda games, unless I decide that she should be LowRida.

Cheers, PQQ.

As a side note on my blog here: I haven't used either of these names in WAR. Poozalaz I didn't think would get past the name censors (I have since found out that you can be called Assblack and Critoris and not get flagged). I didn't want to assign a character my official PQQ tag for fear of not liking that class and having the name go to waste.

What, dear readers, are your naming habits? Do you use the name you gave your first D&D character? Do you rename RPG characters after crushes* or loved ones? Do you go with what you used to sign arcade machine high scores with? Is it a variation of snipe or master chief like half of Xbox live gamertags? Let me know.

*Lol to anyone who did this to Aerith. Double lol to anyone who did this to Aerith even after knowing what happens to her.

Dark Elf Quest-Giver Flowchart

I'm a big fan of frivolous flow-charts so it was only a matter of time before I concocted one myself. This one here is a light-hearted take on how much Dark Elves hate the people who do all all of their work for them. It's a subject I touched on before in my pet-peeves post but I feel like I can lay it to rest here.

Click for full-view

Seven Favourites. Yes, Canadians spell it with a U also. Same with Armour and Neighbour

I should get to posting my seven favourites now shoudn't I?

Favourite Zone: Ekrund. The dwarf starting zone was great for instilling a sense of fighting an uphill battle against superior numbers. The constant war-cries, the giant cannon, the first PQ, cannonballing greenskins; it was all very atmospheric.

Favorurite Race: Chaos. Everything about them is just so unsettling. They're humans, but evil and most likely mutated. Anyone faint of heart who actually reads Chaos's quest text and goals actually get squeemish about doing it. They have the best voice-overs, coolest tanks and are led by Tchaarzanek. What's not to like?

Favourite Career: Copcept-wise, art-wise and mechanic-wise, it would have to be the marauder. The idea of having some guy, morphed by chaos into having these mutated arms bearing down on you, wearing a horned helmet, spiked shoulders and a big wrestler belt is just so cool. And being a melee DPS with medium armour and an AoE damage tree is pretty cool too

Favourite WAR Feature: This can't really be called a feature but I love the rivalries and general side-taking that goes on in WAR. It's very hard to level out a character and not feel an attachment towards your side. And if you're PVPing, a hatred (or at least grudges) toward your enemies. You genuinely feel bad when alting on the other side of the fence

Favourite Skill: Ruthless_Assault for the Witch Elf paired with Kiss of Doom. Attacking 6 times + however many Kisses activate... it just makes my day seeing all of those numbers scroll on by. A close second would be Rampaging_Syphon. Seeing my groupmates' health bars topped off, along with doing a fair amount of AoE damage never gets old.

Favourite Scenario: Lost Temple of Isha. If your in a close one, where the whole scenario is just one big, long, fight at the flag, then there's nothing better than that. Win or lose it always feels like an accomplishment.

Favourite Live Event: Heavy Metal: I liked the idea of being able to sign on for twenty minutes, complete the task, then go do whatever. It was nice that near the end, they dumped the rest of the quests on us all at once to do in a weekend. Reikland Factory was also pretty awesome.

How to Seduce a Witch Elf

Valentine's day is here (Night of Murder too but that's a different story). For all of you single characters out there, time is running out on finding that special someone for this special day. But I'm here to help. For anyone with an eye on that cute Witch Elf who's always in the same warcamp as you, this step by step guide is here to help you on the path to wooing her on Valentine's.

Step 1: Study and Make Plans.

For a few days to a few weeks time, you're going to have to do some research on your intended date. This is done simply by staying out of sight while still being able to watch her. This is to pick up on little things that teach you more about her that can help you start a conversation, such as: when she checks her mail, does she put her left or right shoe on first, how many times she blinks in any given minute, and does she prefer Pepsi, or Coke?

Of note is that a woman's eyes have a strange defect that prevents them from seeing through foliage. Use this to your advantage. Proper spying technique can be found here.

Step 2: Striking up Conversation

Using your research you can now commence communicational relations. This is a risky part in the courtship. One false move and there will be no getting into the lady's good graces. Other guides will tell you to approach with confidence, not to stutter be amicable and tell jokes. This is effective, but I'm here to help you further. See Witch Elves are so used to looking down on others (physically and metaphorically) that finding a height advantage would be to your benefit. Standing on a higher step, or addressing from the top of a hill will make her notice you more, increasing your chance for that elusive date.

If that doesn't work, then remember that women admire persistance, particularly of the nagging variety. As a last resort, you can always ask her out until she succumbs to the pressure. There's no shame in success so keep at it.

Heeey..........................................................Hey, listen.........................................................Heeeeeeeeey

Step 3: Getting Around the Obstacles

Sometimes, there will be a wrinkle that needs to be smoothed out. Maybe an overprotective big brother or ex-boyfriend will be trying to hinder your efforts. Or maybe she won't go out on a date unless it's a double-date with her twin sister or best friend. In the latter case, simply bring a wingman that won't upstage you.

Brothers and ex-boyfriends can pose more of a challenge as they can easily be twice your size, and direct confrontations with them may result in having your pants stolen (according to Big Bang Theory). One solution is to merely drink with them and chat them up. Them realizing that you're a nice person, along with their drunkenness, will usually net you a pass.

Step 4: Picking a proper date area.

This can be summed in a set of photos

Good choices.................................................................vs........................................................Bad choices

A party or a kegger in a picturesque landscape vs. a volcano

A candlelit restaurant vs. a trip to the community slop-seller

Now that you have your date the rest is up to you as I have yet to extensively test out and master the rest of the dating process. Good luck all and have a happy Valentine's Day.

Train Milking and Anti-Peeves

I've just recieved a wonderful link from Syp over at WAAAGH (thanks man!) for my top ten pet peeves post, but then he went and one-upped me with his top ten anti-peeves! So that I don't look like a negative nelly (I'm really not. How dare you insinuate such about me :)) and I'm all for stealing someone's idea, here are ten of my anti-peeves.

1. Your own head as a pocket item. I saw someone who said he got three. What a lucky (or unlucky) guy. Now why can't I get one? Am I too uber to not die enough?



2. Getting that big heal off just as your partner was at 1% health and then winning the battle. There's no bigger rush than that.



3. The Dark Elf quest givers may hate you but Order quests generally reward you with some thankfulness. It makes you appreciate fighting the good fight.



"I'd like to further show you gratitude in yonder tent"



4. You know how whenever there's a quest to find a lost scout or something, and they're always dead when you get there? I thought it was pretty cool that there was one Dark Elf quest to find a dead body but it turns out that he was alive. The quest giver then tells you that you should have killed him in a typical Dark Elf "thanks."



5. Reading a kill collector or Rally master's Tome unlock. They always have something bad-ass to say.
   



6. Spotting Tzeentch's little hydralisk claw for the first time. It's there in the cinematic and everything but I never noticed it until about a month ago.
   

   

This took me months to spot




7. How oppressive the atmosphere of the IC is ... to Destruction. You've got the Dread Sentries (their tome unlock is very chilling by the way, a recommended read), the constantly watching eyeballs, constantly fighting beastmen and marauders, a coliseum, and a general unfriendliness and untrustworthiness from every NPC that makes you wonder why it is that you're helping these people anyway. And then you remember that it's for personal glory, endless gifts and riches, and crushing Order scum.
   



8. How a Greenskin warcamp's outer walls are just whole, uncut tree trunks tied together. It just fits so perfectly with their aesthetic. It's rough, shoddily built and simple, all while serving it's purpose.


9. The sheer amount of patches I've seen. They always seem to aim to fix things that I've specifically seen mentioned in blogs and forums, and the speed at which they come out is good too. For example, do you know how many blog posts there were for "WAR needs its own Darkness Falls" and "change keeps so that a tank wall isn't the be-all-end-all defense"?


10. The frequency of live events. There's always something around the corner to generate buzz and chatter and there's never a time when I'm not looking forward to logging on.

And there you have it. Now it can't be said that I've never said anything nice about the game.

Pet Peeves and Eye Twiches

I have certain pet peeves when it comes to WAR. These aren't the earth-shattering, make you want to quit, "Why Mythic, why?!?!" kind of grievances. No, these are just the kinds that make me twitch without knowing that I'm twitching. These are the kinds that have no bearing on the game and don't need a bug report to fix, but that I wish I could. I'll make it a list. A top 10 list.

1. Killing the same White Lion's pet 10 times in a row, without seeing a hint of the elf himself. Would it kill you to show your face once in a while? Well it probably would bit it's still annoying.
   



2. Getting focus fired. Would you guys stop it already? There's like 8 others guys around me, do they not look good enough to you?
   



3. Having a "Defend the Keep" quest with 19 out of 20 kills done when the siege defense ends. Because great, now I have to wait for them to siege it without it being a ninja siege all over again.




4. Witch Elves that wear capes. Why do you gotta block the view? What else am I supposed to look at while waiting for a BO to cap?
   
   
   
   
   

   One of these Witch Elves knows where it's at
   




5. Moving up a Tier without a maxed out oRvR influence bar. What am I gonna do, go afk as a chicken during keep and BO captures? Because that's bound to be fun. I guess I could roll in an RvR-server, but then that would solve my problem and this list isn't for finding solutions.
   



6. In an RvR server, being ganked by groups of lvl 20s in Tier 1. Is it really that much fun? Does getting kills labelled as "trivial" really feel worth your time and effort? (Well, lack of effort anyway.)
   



7. How Dark Elves never thank you for doing any of their quests. It's always "You did alright, I guess" "I still think nothing of you," "I guess I'll have to watch my back now that you know my secrets," and "You were only my pawn, used so that I didn't have to dirty my hands. Idiot." Anyone who can stick it out and level in DE lands is seriously masochistic.
   



8. Capture Points and BO flags blocking your Line of Sight. Listen, I know Elves are skinny and all, but to be able to hide behind a pole just seems ridiculous. Black Orcs are easily ten times the width of a flag, but I guess I can't see him? Mythic must think that their characters are loony toons.
   
   
   
   

   This cat knows how to hide behind a pole
   
   



9. The run from Spite's Reach to Cascade's. It is a brutal distance between keeps, and it's in a tier where almost nobody has mounts. Having to release while attacking or defending it is a brutal affair.
   


10. The look of the Zealot's first helmets. A headband with beads? What am I, a hippy? Now the later helmets look pretty cool, but maybe that's just because anything would have been an improvement.
    *Update* I also have up a list up of my ten_anti-peeves.

Character Copying. By Pop Culture I Meant Geek Culture.

Seeing this post over at girlirl, while being a good commentary on the lack of character customization in WAR, also made me want to challenge that notion. And I'm going to do it the only way I know how: recreating characters from pop culture.




Here's the Hulk, but this one was a gimme. You can't give orcs hair so it wasn't perfect but all you really need him to be is big, green and shirtless so this one is a success.










This here is the face of Everquest, Firiona Vie. This was the closest ponytail style, but I think using a Sorceress would have made for a closer stance. Just pretend that the sword is a staff and we're good to go.












It's the gamedom's favourite lawyer Phoenix Wright! I found that the Bright Wizard had the most unique hair and beard options. There was, sadly, nothing to match Apollo's hair though.






It's Wolverine! To be honest, that Bright Wizard hairstyle just wrote itself. Too bad he didn't have any non-ridiculous sideburns to choose from. It's was either foot-long mutton chops or nothing. Think of him as Wolverine if he was conceived back when that beard was in fashion. Which, come to think of it, was always.







This Saber actually came out pretty close, even though there was no 'tiny nose and mouth' option. WAR is definitely not anime-friendly







As a bonus though she even got Saber's invisible sword.










Gerard Way was easy to recreate once I started using girls. This was expected.







As a special one I'll show you what a fair portion of people tried to do anyways. A BW Goku. To test this I searched for Goku on Realmwar under just Bright Wizards. 9 Gokus, 5 Gokuus and 17 Ssjgokus. This isn't even counting the other classes, or names like Sephirothxgoku.








Speaking of which... Pretty close eh? And I used a male character and everything. This was not expected.





In summary, I found that the only thing you could really customize was the hair, scars and eye color so I think my challenge failed. It was definitely underwhelming to someone who just came off of Fallout 3 (My guy looks like a Mythbuster). All of this doesn't matter though cause we all wear helmets right?

Stategies Part 1. Bulk Yourself Up

Feel like you're not getting the most out of your time in Warhammer Online? Need a killer, no frills guide on how to gank Chaos scum, or how to scatter Dwarf parts to the winds? Then let me help you with PQQ's Strategies in 64 Parts.

Part 1: A Proper Gaming Rig

This may seem obvious but most people don't realize how important a top of the line PC is to your gaming. Now what you're going to need is a big screen monitor, 30 inches or above would be tops. The latest video card, GPU, and the most GBs of memory and hard drive space available. Choose the mouse with the most buttons on it. A neon-green backlit keyboard can't hurt either.

But there is more you can do! That is only the pedestrian way to upgrade your rig. There are other, more drastic ways to increase performance that only the elite know, which I shall now share with you.

Processing power/speed is everything. If you need more than your standard GHz, and don't mind noise or taking apart your car, then after buying my specialized port cable (99.95$), you can easily hook up your PC to an engine. Let all of that internal combustion add hours to your clocks.

Easy

Now this rig is going to get hot so proper cooling is a must. Here is another trick of the trade you probably don't know, as I have patented it only yesterday. See you can't just cool your PC from from tubes on the inside, and fans definitely won't take the heat off of your engine. Even more drastic measures will be needed. Wrap up your case in hard plastic and make sure it is sealed tight as you will be submerging it in water. For a proper amount of space a kiddie pool has been reported to be large enough. Everything but your monitor, keyboard and mouse should be underwater. If you were using a laptop I suggest you step up your game and use a real gaming rig.

Easier

Now this may be all too much to handle but don't worry! The how-to-play portion will be coming soon so stay tooned.

Dire Signs. A Disclaimer of Lies

Signs You've Been Playing Too Much WAR

• You go to church and are genuinely confused about the priest's lack of a hammer. You then call him a wuss and leave to follow a "real priest".
  
  
• In a group project your boss/teacher says that everyone has to pitch in. You tell them that contribution is broken anyway and it doesn't matter how much work you do, the new guy will get all of the credit.

• You watch the Van Helsing movie, and wonder why he never goes stealth.

• You horde black and white food coloring, thinking that you can sell it on eBay for hundreds of dollars.

• You think clock towers gain twelve levels at noon everyday. You then tell it 'gratz'.

• You are immediately opposed to any political campaign promising change as your quest to stop Tzeentch is never ending.

• You happen by a raven in the street and bow to it, asking for gifts.

• You fear to be around all redheads unless a fire extinguisher is within 100 feet.

• You wear all silk clothing, thinking that the set bonus will make you stronger.

• You've considered jumping off of a cliff to get bragging rights.

Disclaimer: None of these examples have happened to me. If you identify with any of these, or know someone that does, I feel for you.